http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/19/video-games-sandy-hook_n_2330741.html

Oh God. Here we go again.

In the aftermath of almost every mass shooting, the media tells us things we don’t need to know about the shooter. What music they listened to, what video games they were playing, what movies they were watching. It would make more sense if the media just looped the same coverage from Columbine. 

It isn’t surprising that the Senate is already targeting video games that include violence. It’s the same knee-jerk reaction my great grandma made when she turned off Saved by the Bell because she thought that a simple Zach and Slater bet encouraged gambling in my 8-year-old impressionable mind. 

The whole “violence in media” cry has to come to an end. I think CNN, MSNBC, FOX News coverage on mass shootings is more dangerous to a human mind than a copy of Call of Duty. I don’t understand how a nation can blame one art form without the other. 

This, of course, is a silly witch hunt to ignore the real problems that allow these mass shootings to happen. 

 - Mental Illness. Until we focus and monitor those with conditions that impulse the mind into violence, we will never come close to endings this disturbing trend.

 - The ability to buy guns. In some states, buying a gun is easy or easier than obtaining a fishing license. That’s fucking craziness. Buying a gun should include several testing of mind, background, safety.

 - Parenting. This is one of the biggest problems in our society. I think a lot of tragic, avoidable tragedies happen because there is a shit load of bad parenting or negligence. 

 I have watched more than my fair share of violent movies and I also own a bevy of violent video games. My parents taught me the difference between right and wrong, and they also supervised how much I was playing these games. They were instructors of balancing responsibility and fun. I can tell you to this day that I am even freaked out to even hold a gun that has no bullets. I have never shot a gun because I don’t think that it is necessary to involve that into my life.

America, start taking ownership into what your kids are doing and stop making excuses for these crazy rampages. If you really think that your kids are going to blow away a school because they played a first-person shooter, stop buying them the video games in the first place. 

Sorry I couldn’t find the video, but listen to David Cross’ take on the Columbine shooting and the whole media violence cry. It holds up well. 

http://grooveshark.com/#!/search/song?q=David+Cross+David+Cross+-+The+Pride+Is+Back+-+23+-+Media+Violence

The great thing about sports is there are so many compelling reasons to get together with friends and family. Maybe it’s to catch up, drink your weight in beer, or shove down a giant sub in your talk-hole. But one thing is for sure- there will always be the following nine people at your gathering. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, they make up the sports atmosphere that is your living room.

 1.       “Lack-of-effort” Guy

“Put in more hustle!” is a great complaint coming from the guy that is sitting on a leather couch downing his 8th Coors Light with ranch slathered around his chin. The only type of hustle this fan will put in today will require the run to the bathroom and the earth shaking push to rid himself of all the finger foods absorbed that could fill out a laundry hamper or ½ of Gabourey Sidibe.

2.       The Fan-GM

Just because your buddy is a manager at JP Morgan or a trader on Wall St, they now know the intricacies of running a multimillion dollar team. They are always the ones that call out a player when their contract or signing bonus is too extravagant. They will make awful comparisons like comparing their intern to a star athlete that is holding out for a new contract. “Guys, it’s like what I said to my intern, if you don’t like your entry level wage, you can go work at Dunkin’ Donuts.” It’s very rare that they don’t realize their comparisons are nothing like a highly skilled running back.

3.       Reverse-Fortune Teller guy

Hindsight is 20/20. Quite possibly the most common complaint is second guessing a player or coach when their strategy failed. “He should have passed the ball, he was wide open” or “we should have gone for it on fourth down.” I really wish this ‘shoulda, woulda’ mindset could be made for every day observations. “You’re wife, the gold digging, no job, butterface has driven an asshole into our friendship. You should have stuck with Jenny.”

4.       The Chatty-Chad

This person always shows up late and empty handed.  This person isn’t into sports, but more so to hang out with friends. This is completely fine during a commercial, halftime, or a timeout. During the game, all conversation, shouting, and celebrating will be in the name of what the hell happened a second ago. This person is usually a woman.

5.       Everyone

One thing opposing fans can agree on is that the referees are all out to get us. If something unfavorable happens to our team, we all become a unit of crooked cops looking to place a foul on somebody, no matter how ridiculous. The refs have probably the most thankless jobs in all jobs ever. If they do something right, it is business as usual. But if the call is incorrect, referees become figurative striped George Zimmerman’s.

6.       The “It’s Over” Guy

This is the guy that calls the game when anything bad happens to his team. Time is irrelevant because this guy’s negative outlook probably started when his parents divorced when he was in third grade. Whether it’s a turnover in the 2nd quarter, or if his team is down by 6 with ten minutes to go, one thing is sure to this guy. It’s over.

7.       The Overcompensating Guy

This is the person that is positive no matter what.  This happens to be the polar opposite of the “It’s Over Guy.” When the other team scores, this guy will usually say things like, “This is great, this will get our offense pumped up” or “Don’t worry guys, we are just figuring out our adjustments.” Sadly, this guy will use the same attitude in life to deal with every misfortune.  When his girlfriend leaves him for another guy he will say things like “Hey man, it’s cool! Single and ready to mingle!” When really, it’s “Single and ready to Pringle” after he gains 65 lbs and assures everyone it was for the best. This person will never get out of stage one in the five stages of grief.

8.       The Prediction Guy

This guy will make a few hundred predictions before and during the game. When 1 out of 70 of the predictions is right, he will not waste a second to collect audibly. “What did I tell you? When a guy swings for the fences every at bat, he’s bound to strike out.” He might possibly be the most irritating person at your game-watch because he’s more concerned about being right than what the play means for your team.

9.       The Ignorant Girlfriend

Girlfriends are very tricky when it comes to sports. You have three possible outcomes:

a.       You have a girlfriend that was raised in sports, and therefore becomes one of the guys in all sports-hangout situations. This girl is generally loved by all your friends.

b.      You have a girlfriend that wasn’t really exposed to sports, but she learns the game and cheers for your team because they make you happy. This girl has loyalty and heart.

c.       You have a girlfriend that hates sports and openly doesn’t understand why you and your friends are riled up.

If you chose outcome “c” BREAK UP WITH THAT KARDASHIAN-LOVING BITCH RIGHT NOW!  This girl will read a People magazine and roll her eyes when you and your friends high-five/chest bump/dougie when your team scores. She will say things like “Why are you getting upset? It’s not like you are the one out there.” This girl will ruin your relationships with other people because she only sees opposing players battling for the same goal. But to you, the sports fan, it is something more. It is good to put your faith and loyalty into people that sacrifice their time, bodies, and relationships all into the effort of making a city happy. Between the traditions and fan participation there is something about sports that makes us poor out our soul for everyone to see. If she can’t see that then she can go shopping or tanning, or whatever the fuck girls do on Sunday afternoons.

Photography Courtesy of Heather Kipper

Chris Brown has deleted his Twitter. 

Before you rejoice, this is not the first time a person on Twitter sounded off only to come full circle and deactivate the entire profile. When you delete a Twitter account, it takes 30 days for your profile to disintegrate. (Even longer on Google search if your tweets aren’t protected.) So, relax Team Breezy and Team Breezy haters, like his relationship with Rihanna, Chris Brown will be back.

BTW, Team Breezy sounds like a tampon club that young ladies join when they first blossom. If one was to join “Team Breezy” I would imagine that they would get a hairbrush,  a crate of pink and blue tampons, and an official letter welcoming them to life as a woman.

Chris Brown disappearing from Twitter is like killing Pennywise in the first half of “IT.” I automatically want to make a pack with Jenny Johnson and the rest of Anti-Breezy that when he comes back we will be ready to put him down.

Personally, the timing couldn’t have been any better. This past Saturday night, my friend was talking about my Twitter to a new acquaintance. He had mentioned that I made a humorous retort to a Chris Brown tweet, and I explained the backlash of doing so. When making fun of Chris Brown, be ready to handle the instant backlash of…wait for it…female fans!

These Team-Breezyetes told me that I had no dick, that I’m just a “hatin’ honkey mothrfuckr” and that I was “Jelles” which I think is Breezy for “Jealous.”

Sure enough, when the often humorous/degrading conversation between Brown and female comedian, Jenny Johnson took place, out came the female fans.

I will never understand why anyone, especially women would come to the defense of a woman-beating thug. Then again, I’m not sure why anyone would listen to his auto-tune, dog whistle-inspired “music.” This is a guy that is still young and immature but is assuring the world through his tirades that he will never change.

For a Communications major, there is a hell of a lot that I don’t understand about human behavior. 

When I was around nine or ten, my imagination used to work itself up so much that I would fear things that were very silly, such as falling several stories in a locked elevator or fighting a rabid dog that had broke out of its fence. But the thing I remember most about staying up endless nights as an anxious, sensitive, ahead-of-my-time neurotic, was worrying about what I would do when I grew up.

Sure, at that time I wanted to be a baseball player like every other male peer of mine but somewhere deep down I knew it was not feasible. And thus, I am not getting paid millions of dollars to whip my arm at lightning speed, nor am I banging Kate Upton. (Do people still use the word banging?)

When I would have these fears that would send me into total shock, my father used to come into my room and talk to me about it. “One day, you are going to be far more successful than I am.” I’ll never forget how calm, alleviating, and loving it was. This was the way all Dad’s should be.

As I accelerate out of my 20’s and into my 30’s like a 7 am walk of shame, I find that those nightmares I once had as a kid have somewhat come true. Sure, I have skills in social media and copywriting and they are skills that I have utilized to make a living. (Or at least on a good day.) But have I reached a calling like a guy that went into graphic design after working at his parent’s print shop as a kid? Or a woman starting her own PR business right after college because she was good at networking events at her alma mater? The only thing I really know how to do is have perspective. Everyone has this.

In my last job, I would lead projects, make conference calls, have lunch meetings. I would talk this corporate talk, and knew what I was doing, what I was saying, what I was communicating. But, when I would drive home I would think back to all these work conversations and think how silly it all sounded. In my head it felt like I was pretending to be a generic businessman like on TV. “Greg, I will need these images on the header to match the copy for the ‘Freedom Campaign.” How silly does that sound? My inner self imagines me as this guy with slicked back hair wearing a blue-tooth with a Rolex on the wrist. “What a fuck,” my inner self says.

I never saw myself as having a desk job which is why I think it sounds like “pretend work talk.” It was like the time I saw a fairly cheesy porn in college that involved pig tails. The first time that I had sex with a woman wearing pig tails, I thought, “Whoa, this isn’t real. We’re just pretending.” Nothing seems real when the first time you’ve conceived a notion is when its manufactured by media.

At least half my life I have ignored my gut. Every time I do something that is industry-satisfying like interning at CBS or studying journalism a voice in the back of my head would tell me that I should take a path that is much more conventional or something ultra-conservative (like working at an incentive company.) I imagine this voice to be the Dad from ALF.

The one thing/person that has helps me ignore the Dad from ALF is my girlfriend. Throughout our 2 ½ years together she has never once said, “Find a job on the beaten path that makes a lot of money.” When I was deep into the later stages of interviews with Edward Jones, she said “You’re going to be miserable even if you make a lot of money there. Do what you’re passionate about.” These are moments that I think, “Wow, this girl who still likes to have sex with me is being the most supportive friend I will ever have. I must keep tricking her.”

I suppose that what I am getting at, this Jerry Maguire mission statement of a blog, is that I think I need to start following what I know is good for me. Taking jobs to make ends meet is something that is real and something I will still have to face, but it doesn’t mean I can’t do something about changing that.

As I head into the sunset of my 20’s and into the cold, cold sunrise of my 30’s, I need to make decisions that would put that anxious, agitated, timid, clown-fearing 10-year-old Kenny to bed.  

I can’t think of a more ridiculous era that dictates a relationship is only official if it’s on a social platform. I suppose like everything, there are pro’s and con’s to this. I think Myspace added this benchmark and Facebook ran with it. I’ve grown to accept that, because, really…what choice did I have?

One thing I will not accept is a couple sharing a Facebook.

Couples sharing a Facebook have these reasons for doing so:

1. “Look at us! We do everything together! We have a shared bank account, a shared car, we like the same foods! We are best friends and have no secrets between each other!”

2. Does not give a shit about social media, but puts one up to appease friends.

3. Somebody in the relationship cannot be trusted.

The first one is so obnoxious and confusing. When you want to share a link or make a comment to one of the two people in the couple, you have to address who it is going to. It’s usually much harder to decipher who their Facebook status is coming from. But whatever makes them happy, right?

The second one is completely understandable. This somewhat, weird couple already has all the shit they need in their life and doesn’t really feel like checking the social media world every hour like the rest of us do. They use it to RSVP events and post pictures of their latest BBQ. I generally like this couple.

The third is THE MOST COMMON REASON for sharing a Facebook with a significant other. One of the couple has been jeepin’ and this is the penalty without breaking off the relationship. This is the saddest way to keep your horrible relationship going. As a Facebook friend it is the most annoying.

I have a friend that I don’t see very often who has herself an awful man. Thanks to the shared Facebook, I get to read his awful jokes that usually start and end with “LOL/LMAO.” I get to hear his rad plans about him and his bro’s watching UFC at Douchington’s. And last but not least, I get to read this douchenozzle’s political views. “If u vote 4 Obama, u votin 4 a terarrist!”

Of course, the easiest thing to do is just unfriend this motel of a relationship, but the fondness we have for 1/2 of that relationship makes it difficult to sever the (social) friendship.

Guess we all have to ride it out or write about it on Tumblr.

A couple months ago, the Chicago Tribune announced that some of their content would be for subscribers only. If you had a subscription to the actual paper, like my family does, you would still be able to access their content. As of November 1st, the Chicago Tribune will now be charging $14.99 to access their digital content. To those of us who read the paper online, we will have to cough up two times more than what we pay for Netflix.

The fall of print journalism has been documented for some time now. Papers and magazines have become extinct. Hell, a whole season of The Wire paid tribute to the sacrifices a major city newspaper made.

Like The New York Times, the Chicago Tribune is trying to reverse fortune, as well as reverse THE times. In the rise of the internet, several news outlets put their content up for free, in return paying for some of it via online ads. Now, the Chicago Tribune wants to go back in time and charge you for its industry’s mistakes.

The part that really chaps my hide is the Chicago Tribune’s seemingly inability to edit their own stories. I read ALL of my news online, and I can tell you far-and-away that the Chicago Tribune makes more grammatical errors than any major news I’ve ever seen. Thankfully, the Tribune edits for their print version, but I can guarantee you that if you log on to a breaking story on the Tribune’s site, you will find some elementary spelling errors. 

So, my question is: Why the hell would I spend $14.99 to read misspelled information?

It would be like charging my girlfriend for sex. “Sorry honey, you’ve had a free ride these past two years, now pony up! And those times that I’ve had my body weight in whiskey and most likely can’t get you within a stone’s throw of an orgasm? You’re still going to have to pay me $14.99. That’s what you get for your loyalty, sweetie!

In a world where we have Twitter to give us information before a reporter can write up a 600-word piece, not to mention millions of other news sources, you’re going to charge us?! What is to stop anyone from getting their Chicago news from the arch-rival Sun-Times? Last time I checked, their news is free and isn’t grammatically challenged as yours.

If I made any errors on this post, please send me your name and address. I’ll be happy to send you an invoice for $14.99. Thanks for reading!

Yay or nay?

        Rejection justified in the male mind

Rejection. It is a rite of passage on the same lines as your balls dropping. If you were born Zach Morris or played D&D through high school and college, you at least saw it documented in a John Hughes film.  Anybody that works in comedy or writes humor on the reg will tell you that humor comes from rejection and humiliation. It is easy to look back and learn from experiences. It is awfully easy to laugh at the time a girl pants’d you emotionally. But nothing feels like the moment a girl rips your heart out and makes a throw pillow out of it. These are moments that most guys try to justify or tell themselves to avoid lighting a candle, putting on some Elliott Smith and crying themselves to sleep.

“I’m better off. I don’t need anyone holding me down. “

Yes you do. You’re the type of guy that always gets saddled up with a new philly every time you become single. You tell yourself this to buy time until you meet and become monogamous with the next girl you eventually smother. Not that there is anything wrong with a guy that longs for the next girl, just don’t try to fool yourself into being the dude that wants to crush pussy 24/7.

“This was for the best. Whatever will be, will be.”

The guy that leaves everything up to fate is almost as annoying as the girl that uses astrology to comfort her pathetic love life. Leaving everything to chance and not putting in any effort will leave you home alone on many Saturday nights streaming internet porn and multiple views of “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” At least your keeping the Kleenex organization in the black.

“It was mutual, we just didn’t feel each other.”

I laugh every time I hear that somebody says their breakup was amicable. Who are you fooling? Even if both parties get sick of each other, one side got tired of the other one first. The daunting task of what follows the secret rejection is winning the breakup. Every time I have been broken up with, the lady usually has somebody new almost as if she pulled him out of her purse.

“I don’t want to ruin the friendship that we have.”

This rejection reason actually works for women. Let’s face it, women have around 90% of the power when it comes to friendship, dating, and sex. Men are more or less primates that are looking to end a losing streak or continue a vaginal bender. Women have this bipolar switch that goes in and out like an old, broken TV. It is hard to tell what they are going to like from one day to the next. At most, being her friend will entitle you to a drunken makeout when she is down in the dumps about another guy, only to pretend it didn’t happen the next morning.

This is a post that was rejected from my MTV blog that was rejected for being too violent towards children. Let your kid be an asshole. I don’t care.

As you approach the end of your 20’s into the dreaded 30’s one thing becomes clear. Your friends are starting to have children. The sleepless nights, the pressure of providing for your child, and the lack of Mommy & Daddy time can make any new parents age seemingly over night. But really, it is boot camp to what comes next. Psychopathic children throwing tantrums and acting like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist.” Remember the show, “Supernanny?” You know, the British chubbier version of Mary Poppins without the voice. I remember this episode where she had to deal with these two 8-year- old boys. These kids acted like they escaped the portal of Hell. They would throw shit at the nanny and try to physically hurt their Dad in the crotchal region with whatever they had in their sticky hands. It was awful. In order to make sure this doesn’t happen to my friends and future mothers and fathers across this great nation, I have come up with a few child behavioral techniques.

Good old fashion violence.

Sure it’s looked down upon these days, but it needs to come back in a big way. These little fuckers run around the house like marines that are on their third tour. They are serious sociopaths, and quite frankly, they have had it way too easy. Let that kid know with a belt or a good hard spanking (The one that even stings your hand) that you don’t take any of their crazy shit.

Clowns

Let a clown chase them around the house. If there is one thing that a child fears, it’s clowns. I still fear clowns. Persuade some guy that has had some “hard times” down at the Boys & Girls Club with a 30 pack of Old Style to dress up like a clown and strike some fear in your child’s heart. Go to work feeling good knowing that your children will crawl and run like savages as they run for hiding spots dodging the clown that stalks hallway to closet for the next 8 hours.

Starvation

Don’t buy them food. Kids love food. And when they don’t have it, they get weak like the rest of us. But children don’t have the means to provide for themselves. This is where you exploit their weakness. When their little systems shutdown, their last thought will be I wish I had cleaned up the toys I am lucky to have.

Pitbulls

Pitbulls love hateful children. Oh, so you like to hit mommy and daddy when something doesn’t go your way? Take it out on Bruno. Bruno likes to take his fun doggy aggression out on your eye sockets. You’ll wish you never refused to clean up the egg coloring kit you spilled on the floor.

Pretend you are dead

Get some fake blood and don’t get out of character. There is nothing that achieves clarity like a first brush with death. They will be wishing that you are alive and will feel sorry for everyday they were a little bastard.

If these don’t work, I don’t know what will. I’m sure this article will be flagged for some parent awareness group but it doesn’t mean I’m wrong. I have a feeling these new breakthrough methods will replace over prescribed ADHD medication. You’re welcome.